Watch me burn

It's rather sad that I can't have a relationship with someone I love, and who loves me so much. When does love and protectiveness cross the line into borderline paranoia? When does quiet understanding morph into cold silence? When do things start to become...strange?

Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great

To think that I looked up to him; adored as a hero as a little girl. Don't we all? Our mother is the first lady in our lives, our father the first man. How does anyone know what happens to that preciousness later, many years later? Is it inevitable that there will be ugliness you can't take back?

But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know your name
I laid hands on you
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

I can't say that it's entirely hus fault. Or entirely mine. I've been unreasonable too, and emotional, and irrational. So has he. We are both stubborn as fuck. We have such pride. And it's so difficult to...well, to communicate. (Cliched? Lack of communication is how relationships die, and not just the romantic kinds.) The fact that there is still love, the love borne of bond and blood instinct, can't save this from going down in flames.


You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hurt 'em,
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom


Now he's acting like a complete stranger and saying things I can't believe he's saying. I don't know what I did to piss him off so and why he won't be upfront with me. (Don't use my mom as a channel you bastard) And the fact is, I could just emotionally cut uyou ioff right now, and walk out in my mind, but why? You've raised me right -- or did up till a certain point -- and you've done so much for me. Been a good provider and a good guardian. Never deprived us or treated us cruelly. Although what you're doing now is cruel, in its own insidious way.


So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over
But you promised me,
Next time you'll show restraint;
You don't get another chance.


I have had time, plenty of time, to regret. In my outraged reaction I said hurtful things that were meant to be hurtful. But beneath that outrage was an upset child wondering where it all went to shit. Wondering when she ceased being good enough. When her existence ceased to be the pride and joy of someone's eye and became a bane instead.


Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies


I shouldn't be this way. I am an adult and in many ways I've stopped needing your approval. In fact, I can live without one person's approval. Surely.

So stupid. I"m a stupid small confused person.

And I don't know what to think.

I'm tired of the games
I just want you back.


** ** ** **

_{Lyrics courtesy of Marshall Mathers aka Eminem
~~~Never really appreciated this song enough, till today happened.}